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What do you get if you cross an Agnostic, a Dyslexic, and
A guy who sits up all night wondering whether or not there is a
A guy who sits up all night wondering whether or not there is a "DOG"!
With her usual charm, Hillary called the man a "moron", commented on this ancestry, ordered him to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. "And", told him, "Be quick about it!"
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
Furious at the delay, Hillary screamed, "Where have you been and what took so
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, you're such an idiot. What did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
The driver replied: "I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the cow."
It will be marketed jointly with the Pepsi Cola Bottling Group (NYSE: PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is or as a mixer under the name "Mount and Do" .
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign: "Pour Yourself A Stiff One"
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, as of 01 January 2003, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)
CLAP (Combined Lump Sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us. :-)